Vulnerable II

By an intimation,
I let my drawbridge down
I let you in here
first one to see it all clear

The weak flesh and the soul contusions
urge me to beg, silently beg.
I beg you to wake
I share my deepest, lying awake watching you sleep.
you don’t remember the dream but I have waited for your eyelids to lift.

Now you know I fear the silence,
You don’t know; it keeps me screaming
Because it keeps you at my side

With the eloquent theory of staying forever young
and forever in love, I still doubt.
With eloquent words, my heart is jealous
my heart is far from eloquent

On rainy days and misty mornings, people get sad.
Grey clouds roll in and the cold pours around us so thick

So here I am, dressed in red again
another wasted day
my hair done up in tears,
the jewels I use are broken promises
You wear my same look of sadness and thus,
we fit together perfectly.

With an overrated freedom, I promise to miss you more than most,
growing a façade anew, porcelain eyes of apathy
and try hard as I do, I can’t hide it
I can’t hold back
because tears will get you nowhere on pavement.

tattoo? why yes actually

so i am considering my tatoo, not the vine around my scar under my boob, this one will be on the outside face of my foot and mine will say 'i believe in me' in a swirly pretty script (but still readable) with either a wing on each side or a small peace dove sitting on the phrase


any ideas or suggestion?

A day of ups and downs...

so my ups so far are i got texts on my phone (5 years behind schedule but i'll take it!) and I do not have to worry about money. I got a restaurant job and substitute teaching job. In order to substitute I need to go to a retreat on Nov. 13th so I have a little less than two weeks to find something more suited to what i want to do without screwing anyone over at the school for when they need me after nov. 13th, menaing i can back out before the 13th without feeling bad... I will be visiting the local community partners and family and social services offices early this week and see how that goes. Also, the built-in safety net for me is babysitting which I have started up again, money is always useful, especially since my first loan repayment is due on January 10th! Plus it is nice spending time with Josh and Sabina, I know I will be able to see the j Scalzi soon and I saw a great old friend from high school in Walmart today, that kind of thing just doesn't happen in Natick MA...
The downs are damn near obvious. It has been two weeks since I moved out and I have gotten in touch with Mell and Caroline. Honestly, it breaks my heart not only did I fuck up a 3 year romance but apparently my friends either don't know about it or don't care. that really sucks and I feel like in the "friend wars" i'm screwed because we always went to see "his friends" and I seem to have lost my niche. I keep getting asked, "so, what are you doing home" and i can't help but feel like a failure, I'm not really successful at anything and I'll never find the opportunities for my family like meeting the President the way my brother does...I would have gotten to this place with or without mike but at this point i'm like "kick me when i'm down, why don't you?"
Rationally I know I am better off without him, I will find someone who is crazy about me and won't feel like he is "settling" for me, but its easier to say those things than to believe them.
In the meantime, I need to get dressed. there is a party tonight and I am going as a cowgirl, i don't know how much fun i'll be but we'll find out...