A day of ups and downs...

so my ups so far are i got texts on my phone (5 years behind schedule but i'll take it!) and I do not have to worry about money. I got a restaurant job and substitute teaching job. In order to substitute I need to go to a retreat on Nov. 13th so I have a little less than two weeks to find something more suited to what i want to do without screwing anyone over at the school for when they need me after nov. 13th, menaing i can back out before the 13th without feeling bad... I will be visiting the local community partners and family and social services offices early this week and see how that goes. Also, the built-in safety net for me is babysitting which I have started up again, money is always useful, especially since my first loan repayment is due on January 10th! Plus it is nice spending time with Josh and Sabina, I know I will be able to see the j Scalzi soon and I saw a great old friend from high school in Walmart today, that kind of thing just doesn't happen in Natick MA...
The downs are damn near obvious. It has been two weeks since I moved out and I have gotten in touch with Mell and Caroline. Honestly, it breaks my heart not only did I fuck up a 3 year romance but apparently my friends either don't know about it or don't care. that really sucks and I feel like in the "friend wars" i'm screwed because we always went to see "his friends" and I seem to have lost my niche. I keep getting asked, "so, what are you doing home" and i can't help but feel like a failure, I'm not really successful at anything and I'll never find the opportunities for my family like meeting the President the way my brother does...I would have gotten to this place with or without mike but at this point i'm like "kick me when i'm down, why don't you?"
Rationally I know I am better off without him, I will find someone who is crazy about me and won't feel like he is "settling" for me, but its easier to say those things than to believe them.
In the meantime, I need to get dressed. there is a party tonight and I am going as a cowgirl, i don't know how much fun i'll be but we'll find out...