Heavens to Betsy!

Ok so.... epic fail

The wedding I was attempting to get fit for came and went. I was as confident as I could pretend to be but now I am furious about my lack of commitment to my lifestyle change....I see the photos from the wedding and I am embarrassed about how my arms look and the sheer difference in how I look compared to LITERALLY everyone else. I am not proud of it, I come off as pretty confident but its easy to say you feel big beautiful sexy and confident so avoid admitting you feel gross on a daily basis.

I have help this time. Shawn and I are joining a gym together, I do not have a ridiculous time frame, I do not have a program too intense for me to keep up with, its just me trying to be more healthy. I have photos i am going to print off my computer that are particularly unflattering to remind me to stay focused and head-stronge. I want to be successful this time

GET FIT DAMN IT!

OK, I have finally decided to get the hell out of my fat, lazy routine. I hate my size, i hate feeling winded, I hate being in doorways with someone because I always feel like I take up more space than everybody else does. I hate the way people look at me in restaurants. I don't like dirt looks for ordering a regular soda. I don't like the constant worry that I am going to be heavy and unhealthy for the rest of my life! I am scared that I will get stuck in this body...

That seems like a lot to unload on a blog, it seems like a bit of too much information, BUT i am excited to announce that I am soon to begin a Kettle Worx workout system. A true body changing, life changing point in my life! I wrote this all out to
remind myself, when i start getting tired, bored, frustrated, with this set-up, this is the reason I need to stick to it! I ordered
the program on Friday and it is supposed to be mailed in 7-10 days.

http://www.kettleworx.com/

I cant wait to start!
I cant wait to feel strong, excited, powerful

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now

I thought that this class...all about crisis stabilization/interventions, self mutilation, and suicide would be difficult because of an overwhelming rush of memories or reliving this horrible situation that I've known. But its not, the hard part is the rationalizing, analyzing, and organizing as a clinician. Its the stories of clients as some separate outside force, that they are different, its us and them but I can't delineate that line. I feel like i am in a limbo in this situation

Love

"Feels Like Home"

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Don't ever save anything for a special occasion.
Being alive is the special occasion