Update

Not much to tell but i figured a pre-holiday update would be a good idea.
I am still waitressing at the Roadhouse, I honestly feel like I will be doing this the rest of my life! Sometimes I hate it and sometimes I love it, i guess its the same with everything. I met some really wonderful people and I am excited to get to know them better.

I applied for a case worker job, it is a residential facility for girls 12-18 who are between court dates. It is an extremely low security facility so the girls here are transitioning back home. More like a big slumber party with a million rules instead of a jail. I really liked it there but we'll see how it goes. I got the feeling they did not think i was old enough but who knows...

I am also considering applying for Teach For America. If i am accepted I would be relocated and teach in less fortunate schools for two years. I think it might be a life experience I need. I never went abroad and i hate myself for it, so maybe this could be an awesome opportunity.

Christmas is coming, only a few more days, hope everyone stays safe and well and I will update again soon

the perfect gift

For years my family has searched long and hard for Christmas gifts for others in the family. "What will Nana want? Have I bought this for Aunt Pat before? Will Grandpa use this?" are usually common questions asked about potential items to give. This year, I have broken the cycle, I have found the perfect gift to give my family members and I know it will be used, useful, and appreciated without question. I have decided to donate monetary values to the Salvation Army in the names of my family members so that they know on Christmas morning, a less fortunate child will get to open a gift from Santa. I have been spoiled rotten by my family for years and I feel like this is an opportunity for me to pass on the blessings I have had in the name of those who are important to me.
I hope if you are having difficulty finding the perfect holiday gift for someone in your family, I hope you consider this option. Let's help those in need and give a gift that will always be treasured.

Here is the website, just click on "ways to give"
http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/www_usn_2.nsf

Happy Holidays friends and be aware of your blessings!

Vulnerable II

By an intimation,
I let my drawbridge down
I let you in here
first one to see it all clear

The weak flesh and the soul contusions
urge me to beg, silently beg.
I beg you to wake
I share my deepest, lying awake watching you sleep.
you don’t remember the dream but I have waited for your eyelids to lift.

Now you know I fear the silence,
You don’t know; it keeps me screaming
Because it keeps you at my side

With the eloquent theory of staying forever young
and forever in love, I still doubt.
With eloquent words, my heart is jealous
my heart is far from eloquent

On rainy days and misty mornings, people get sad.
Grey clouds roll in and the cold pours around us so thick

So here I am, dressed in red again
another wasted day
my hair done up in tears,
the jewels I use are broken promises
You wear my same look of sadness and thus,
we fit together perfectly.

With an overrated freedom, I promise to miss you more than most,
growing a façade anew, porcelain eyes of apathy
and try hard as I do, I can’t hide it
I can’t hold back
because tears will get you nowhere on pavement.

tattoo? why yes actually

so i am considering my tatoo, not the vine around my scar under my boob, this one will be on the outside face of my foot and mine will say 'i believe in me' in a swirly pretty script (but still readable) with either a wing on each side or a small peace dove sitting on the phrase


any ideas or suggestion?

A day of ups and downs...

so my ups so far are i got texts on my phone (5 years behind schedule but i'll take it!) and I do not have to worry about money. I got a restaurant job and substitute teaching job. In order to substitute I need to go to a retreat on Nov. 13th so I have a little less than two weeks to find something more suited to what i want to do without screwing anyone over at the school for when they need me after nov. 13th, menaing i can back out before the 13th without feeling bad... I will be visiting the local community partners and family and social services offices early this week and see how that goes. Also, the built-in safety net for me is babysitting which I have started up again, money is always useful, especially since my first loan repayment is due on January 10th! Plus it is nice spending time with Josh and Sabina, I know I will be able to see the j Scalzi soon and I saw a great old friend from high school in Walmart today, that kind of thing just doesn't happen in Natick MA...
The downs are damn near obvious. It has been two weeks since I moved out and I have gotten in touch with Mell and Caroline. Honestly, it breaks my heart not only did I fuck up a 3 year romance but apparently my friends either don't know about it or don't care. that really sucks and I feel like in the "friend wars" i'm screwed because we always went to see "his friends" and I seem to have lost my niche. I keep getting asked, "so, what are you doing home" and i can't help but feel like a failure, I'm not really successful at anything and I'll never find the opportunities for my family like meeting the President the way my brother does...I would have gotten to this place with or without mike but at this point i'm like "kick me when i'm down, why don't you?"
Rationally I know I am better off without him, I will find someone who is crazy about me and won't feel like he is "settling" for me, but its easier to say those things than to believe them.
In the meantime, I need to get dressed. there is a party tonight and I am going as a cowgirl, i don't know how much fun i'll be but we'll find out...

Trip to DC

So my mom and I took a plane to DC to where my brother lives and my dad was on a work trip two days ago. I went for a tour of the East Wing of the White House, went to the Natural History museum, and then spent the rest of the day at Arlington Cemetery. Beautiful places, went on my first cab ride and saw a secret service agent in SWAT gear come down from the White House roof. The next day I went to my brother's office and met all his co-workers, I even answered the phone and took calls for the White House comment line! My brother works in the correspondence office for the president so my family was also allowed a "departure photo" with President Bush since his time in office is ending. Now, I have never been called a President Bush supporter but I met the President of the united states. I was in the West Wing, waited in the Roosevelt Room and had my picture taken in the Oval Office in front of the Resolute Desk. That was cool people. He spoke to us all, asked what we did and thanked my brother for his service and we exited through the Jackie Kennedy Rose Garden. It was a truly surreal experience and even though I am unimpressed with his politics, I was still quite taken back by sheer realization that i was in the Oval Office with the President of the United States. My mom cried and Bush gave her a big hug and wished us well and said he would say a prayer for Steve's best friend who had left for Iraq that very morning.

well, that was my trip, here is a photo of my brother and I outside the West Wing, if you think this is cool, I have more photos and stories for another time...

Small Town Living

It seems strange, but i have been back in NH for about 24 hours and I already have two employment positions open to me. I have been keeping busy, unpacking, dividing things up for charity, organizing where new things and old things and exist happily together...it's mostly just busy work to keep me focused on something other than being sad though. I feel like people look at me and I don't "seem sad" so I must have been an awful girlfriend and a cold hearted bitch but I swear I am not. I am wierd with my emotions in the first place and then this has been such a long and drawn out process that i feel tired of crying by now, eventhough it is still new.

At the same time, I have never really been on my own, and Mike hasn't been for a long time so I am trying to look at this as a positive for both of us. Maybe new scenery will be good, help us grow and become our own seperate people and not just half of a couple, sometimes I feel like I am not really my own whole person yet...

"I Love You"

It is interesting to watch different couples and how they interact with each other. At dinner the other night while having a joking "fight" about not filling the ice cube tray and leaving the toilet seat up, there was an older couple watching us, laughing and smiling as if we were so cute and in love and they were watching one of these adorable relationship building moments but...it wasn't. It made me think about how we show our affection, i know girls who call their bests friends "bitches" and middle schoolers who ignore the kid they "like like." When do we grow out of this? When do we need to stop trying to translate "i have grown accustomed to your face" and "as you wish" into "I Love You"s. 

Now that I am walking into this world of dates, bars, and flirting, how am I going to know how to interpret advances? How and I going to be able to know when a guy likes me and when I am being  nominated prom queen as a joke? 

Employment

To those who heard me before, I called it! The restaurant I was working in closed and I knew it was coming. Granted, it was dumb of me to stay but when I asked the opinion of my boss as to how long we had, he said there was 2 or 3 years left and now the restaurant is closed, about a month after I got that guess. Now I am faced with the possibility or working in another restaurant, and making money fairly immediately, or living off what I have saved and work on finding my career. I know for a fact that when I have money rolling in, I don't care too much about finding my career, as silly as it sounds, waitressing makes money, trust me. But I really don't want to be a waitress anymore and I have not saved up too much money, hello to paying back student loans!  I have the opportunity to make a whole new life, I could move to Arizona or California and start all over and I just have absolutely no idea what to do. Its like being in school and your teacher tells you to write about whatever you want to, but you have too many choices... you don't really know even where to start. Maybe UNH is a good idea, maybe... maybe i just have no idea what to do next.

Blue

It wasn't out of the blue...

blue is soft and cool and calming

blue is a spring day on a picnic blanket in the park

blue is the feeling of flight and weightlessness with clouds

blue is the place deep inside your soul that is always comfortable

always welcoming

your favorite pair of PJ bottoms

This was not out of the blue at all...

this was harsh and cold

this was knives and pin needles

this was shock and scary thoughts of a life i didn't want

this was 'why are you doing this to me?'

what have i done wrong?

did i deserve this?

I feel sick

where are you going?

can you take me with you?

I need blue...

intro

Not much of an intro since most of the people to read this already know me and know my story. I figured with all the economic, political, religious, environmental, and every other ("crisis" is not the right word but the only one i can think of) I had some things to say, and if there happens to be an update of my life, where i am going, who i am seeing, etc... so be it.

the title may seem odd, i know most often  reconnaissance is associated with discovering military information or geographical regions but i was referring to the more personal interpretation of that word, i was referring to the struggle to gain information from an enemy or potential enemy.  In this case, that enemy itself being me. I need to uncover pieces of me and i think posting on these current issues and accepting new ideas, views, and opinions this can be a really great opportunity. 

thanks :)