Life- continued

So goes the job hunt. I am turning in two application this week (so exciting) and I am hoping things work out well for me and all. I really want to get to a place where I can be saving the money I make with a little extra for fun and stuff instead of that ending up to be 1/2 since I don't make as much money as I would like. I am so excited about the prospect I have been looking up small homes and condos already. silly since they will all be long gone by the time I get enough money for a down payment and all but I can't help it.

I got to see Tanya the other day, YAY US! I miss her and since she moved back up North it is harder and harder to get together. She makes me smile and she is now engaged to Jon. Even though they have not been together too long I am making my best effort to be supportive. I told her my fears of them being together so short and they both listened to my worries, we have moved on, and I am nothing but supportive. I guess it is rough to see someone so in love and been dating for less than and year plan a wedding when I can't help but think how things can fall apart, like after 4 years or so...     :P

I just want to have fun now, there has been little but drama for a LONG time in my life and I feel as though taking a new stance on how to approach drama is a greatly important step... like discussing things and being open and honest about how you feel about something so the issue is not blown out of proportion later

I wrote this when I was about 16...

One day I turned around and had no idea how I got there

I saw my life and although it was mine, ‘pathetic’

Was all that came to mind

 

My friends are my attack, the one that pushed me off the edge

I try and pull things back, sort of together

And for all my tries, success is just a lack

 

Come and lift me away, please angel spare my thoughts

Mixing anger, betrayal, frustration and hate

There seems to be an emotion I can’t willingly manipulate

 

Oh sweet elixir, whether be the juice of Juliet or the sword of Joan

Help me find an escape merit to retreat, one of worth

I have asked for little and now then my sorrow is unearthed

 

Wrap me up, embrace me and swaddle me like I used to have done

Call me an adult and end the needs of a crazed woman close to  break

One day I will be better than this, and then I will bank on this mistake

 

So now I come to the divine inspiration of how and where to go

How alone must I be before they notice I’ve never really been here

At least it is almost over and the hand that watches the clock is near

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us
~ Joseph Campbell

Inward Moment

A down comforters' starry slumber
sends soft and supple remembrances of the life we never had

Carried with porcelain eyes of apathy and tears too real to fake,
how is it that concrete can cry?

Climb the walls and breakthrough the anger and denial,
breakthough the anger and denial
to find what lies beneath

i'm miss your bed, the sent of the evening, the music in my thoughts
pretty music, soft music, lovely music

good, ok and bad

good- Happily the program I applied to accepted me so now I can start applications to be a school guidance counselor, thats what the last post refered to. so, yay me! I would love to have a job and activity everyday that makes me feel useful and in at least a little way that i did something good with my day...

the ok is i got glasses, yes seacoast area you can relax i now have depth perception. I know my car well enough and all but the eye doctor was mad at me, i read 20/20 but can't see for beans far away. i guess the turning point for me was when i was in the car with mike and he laughed at a licence novelty plate and i was shocked he could read it. apparently he thought i should be able to see it too. now i have glasses (photo soon)

bad- i went to wheaton and had a great time with my ladies, Hi Mell, Hi Marie, Hi Caroline, Hi Lizzy Hi Marianne. the hard part was the seeing of the "dreaded ex" and all the drama that comes with it. I will be honest, i was nervous, scared, excited, terrified, and nauseous about the whole experience. on a more positive note, I have gone from being hurt to angry...what are the 5 levels of loss? denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? i guess i am out of order or i am just not as far as i thought i would be. The experience in general made me feel all too old for the entire scene. I am not 18, I do not want to be at parties like that and I guess that shows a big difference in us I did not see until now.

well, off to work (:P.) can't wait for this weekend to hit up Portsmouth with Josh and photograph that sunset, photo of that soon too!


ps. I just heard an ice cream truck drive by...oh summer!